Have You Seen Her?
by mave88
Summary: Kat and Mave discover a horrible tragedy. Alice has disappeared. There is only one thing left to do: Find her. Come follow this deluded pair in their quest around the world as they meet and terrorize the Twilight cast. Co-written with katiushabb
1. Not Living Next Door to Alice Anymore

**So, as promised, here is my new story, co-written by yours truly and katiushabb (who, by the way, has a new story you should totally check out).**

**It's just a silly story that we have been having loads of fun with. Not much real Twilight included but sillier and dumber versions of ourselves. Any resemblance with reality is merely a coincidence (or maybe not so much, like Kat, you know how blondes are...).**

**By the way, in case you haven't noticed, we're totally obsessed with Alice and are seriously considering doing this for real. If only we had the money... *sigh*.**

**Ok, so, hope you like it, hope you have fun and that we make you laugh a bit.**

**Read, enjoy, review and check the author's note at the bottom.**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, no matter how many times we try to possess Edward or more recently Jacob. *sigh* And we also do not own Smokie's very fitting "Living next door to Alice".**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Not living next to Alice anymore.**

The sun shone through the windows and Mave's eyes fluttered open, a few seconds later realization hit her and she smiled widely.

"It's Christmas morning!!!!!" She shouted at the top of her lungs thus managing to wake Kat up, who in return screamed in delight as well. They stepped out of their rooms and ran down the stairs side by side to the huge Christmas tree that stood next to the fireplace.

"Santa came and ate the cookies!" Kat exclaimed, looking at the empty plate and half drunk glass of milk. They shared a goofy grin and then Mave stepped towards the presents.

"Me first!" she said shoving Kat aside who landed on her butt on the couch still grinning happily.

Mave grabbed the first present with her name on it, a small jewellery box which she ripped open and found a black choker with a bluish oval pendant. She gasped in delight and immediately put it on with the help of Kat who had now -after her fourth attempt- successfully managed to stand from the couch.

After helping Mave, Kat grabbed the biggest present with her name, her eyes shining with excitement. She tore the paper apart and inside the box she found another box, slightly smaller, which she opened to find yet another box, which contained a smaller box, with an even smaller box within.

Mave got bored of watching Kat unwrap her present and reached to grab one herself, but Kat and her boxes were blocking her way. After the 9th box Kat glared angrily at Mave, stuck her tongue out and inside the 10th box she found a pair of butterscotch contact lenses, which she knew better than to put on in a rush after her last experience in which she almost blinded herself with her own fingernails.

Finally, Mave was able to retrieve her second present which turned out to be a black spiky wig which she decided she would wear next Halloween, while Kat's next present was a pair of blue knitted gloves.

A sad look came upon both their faces when they realized there was only one present left for each. The boxes looked pretty much the same and they opened them slowly in order to prolong the moment. Once they saw their presents they gasped in unison, a single tear sliding down each their faces as they saw Alice's portrait before them.

"Alice!" they exclaimed in unison. "We miss you Alice!"

Before they even knew it they were crying inconsolably, mumbling and weeping non-stop. Kat reached over the couch for the eggnog and two shot glasses which had been placed on the table. She poured the liquid in the two glasses and handed one to Mave.

"To Alice!" Kat toasted.

"Wherever she may be." Mave added.

As the day went on, they finished about three and a half bottles of eggnog and after much sobbing Mave yelled menacingly to Kat "I can't believe you losht Alish!" as she tried to stand and point at her.

"Meee? Shou were the one who lest her in the shoopping mall's parking lost and she got lot!!!"

"Shhhhut up, bosht of you!" Mave stumbled over one of Kat's many boxes.

"No, shou dree shut up! Shou...re wayyyy too loud!"

Mave stood up warily and turned on the radio so she wouldn't have to listen to Kat.

"Living Next Door to Alice" blared out of the speakers and without a minute of hesitation they both started singing along at the top of their lungs.

_The guard called when he got the word,_  
_And he said: "I suppose you've heard -_  
_About Alice"._  
_When we rushed to the parking lot,_  
_And we looked around,_  
_And we could hardly believe my eyes -_  
_She was nowhere to be found_  
_Oh, Alice's car..._

_Oh, we don't know why she's left us,_  
_Or where she's gonna go,_  
_We guess she's got her reasons,_  
_But we just don't want to know,_  
_'Cos for over twenty years_  
_We've been living next door to Alice._  
_Over twenty years just waiting for a chance,_  
_To tell her how we feel, and maybe snatch her credit card,_  
_Now we've got to get used to not living next door to Alice..._

_We grew up together,_  
_Three kids in the park,_  
_We carved our initials,_  
_Deep in the bark,_  
_Us and Alice._  
_Now she disappears in the lot,_  
_Without telling a soul,_  
_Just for a moment, we_ _can see her eye,_  
_It was nowhere to be found_  
_Oh, Alice's car..._

_Oh, we don't know why she's left us,_  
_Or where she's gonna go,_  
_We guess she's got her reasons,_  
_But we just don't want to know,_  
_'Cos for over twenty years_  
_We've been living next door to Alice._  
_Over twenty years just waiting for a chance,_  
_To tell her how we feel, and maybe snatch her credit card,_  
_Now we've got to get used to not living next door to Alice..._

_And the guard called back and asked how we felt,_  
_And he said: "I know how to help -_  
_Get over Alice"._  
_He said: "Now Alice is gone,_  
_But I'm still here,_  
_You know I've been waiting_  
_For over twenty years..."_  
_And that just grossed us out..._

_Oh, we don't know why she's left us,_  
_Or where she's gonna go,_  
_We guess she's got her reasons,_  
_But we just don't want to know,_  
_'Cos for over twenty years_  
_We've been living next door to Alice._  
_Over twenty years just waiting for a chance,_  
_To tell her how we feel, and maybe snatch her credit card,_  
_Now we've got to get used to not living next door to Alice..._  
_But we'll never get used to not living next door to Alice..._

Mave looked confused and wondered "Wat were wi saying, again?"

"I miss Alish..." Kat said and they both burst into tears again.

By the end of the night, after many drunken discussions and gallons of salty water they both decided to do the only thing they could.

They would find Alice.

There was no other way.

* * *

**Soooooooooooo, what did you think? No, stop! Don't! *ducks behind couch to avoid the rotten fruit and veggies heading her way*  
**

**We suck at drunken babbling so if you had a hard time understanding please let us know and we'll translate, hehe.**

**We take any suggestions or comments.**

**There will be hidden references throughout the story from the books, the movies, varied other movies and T.V. shows and several other fanfics. ****In this one two objects from the movies star. ****Those who find them will get a sneak peak to the following chapter. So review!!! You know it makes us smile!!**


	2. Operation Rescue Alice

**A/N: **Hi!!!! Here we are again, brand new chapter... yay!!!!

It may all seem a bit slow, but from from chapter three and on, they start meeting tons of people. Eager to know? Well... *puts on blackmailer face* the more reviews, the faster the new chapter will be posted!!!

Ok, so enjoy, read and review...

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Twilight or The Screamers. Yes, that's how pathetic our lives are.

* * *

Dear Alice,

Since you left, and you took your credit card away we feel like a huge hole has been punched through our bank account.

We miss you. Really.

* * *

The following morning the sun shone again, the birds chirped, the butterflies flew over the trees and a dog barked loudly near the open window, startling the sprawled bodies that lay on the floor still hugging Alice's portraits. They jerked awake suddenly and looked around trying to remember something.

Anything.

Kat tried to sit up and had to hold her head due to the massive hangover. "Ow", she yelled.

Mave shushed her, grabbing her head as well.

"I was having the most beautiful dream about kittens, lots and lots of kittens. They looked just like you."

Suddenly, Kat remembered something.

"I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning!" she exclaimed. "Wait, there was something else... I can't seem to get my head around it." She pondered for a few hours while Mave fell asleep again and suddenly it hit her. "Alice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The whole house shook with the intensity of her scream.

Mave jolted upright and stood "Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go." She sat down, and then rose again "Cool!"

Well into noon they both finally got up and decided to do something about their predicament. And what better way to find Alice than to use her most powerful weapon?

"Where could it be?" Kat wondered.

"I think I saw it somewhere near the thing with the thing, next to the thing with the thingy." Mave answered.

"Right! I'll get on it!"

They searched unsuccessfully through the entire house for the answer to all their questions. Alice's credit card.

They trashed the house entirely and kept going for hours, until they finally gave up. The credit card was nowhere to be found.

"That stupid, fashionable, gorgeous, hard-headed, amazing little evil pixie took it!"

At some point over their bitching over the lost credit card, they realized they had to find another way to solve this mess. They needed a plan.

And so they did the only thing any good American wannabe would do, put pictures on milk cartons. They took Alice's pictures from their portraits and got to work, finally finding a picture of the missing credit card as well.

After weeks of unsuccessful searches and waiting for someone to contact them regarding the lost pixie and her weapon of mass destruction, they did the only other thing that any good American wannabe would do. They begged a talk show producer to give them 5 minutes of prime time. The way they convinced him is too explicit and disturbing and may upset readers and is not at all relevant to the story, so we shall carry on without it.

* * *

"Good morning and sunny skies. My name is Conchita Lopez and this is 'Prayer to God'. Today we have two sweet young ladies who have lost a very important person in their lives. When we come back we'll share their heartbreaking story. Stay tuned. You don't want to miss it."

As the cameras went off Conchita sighed. "Jerry, couldn't you have given me a more interesting story? This blows! Two stupid kids who think they lost a fictional character? C'mon! Who the hell are we kidding with this?"

"It pays the bills, get over it." Jerry stated as Mave and Kat approached.

"OME, I can't believe we are in an actual studio! This is totes amazing!" Kat clapped cheerily.

"Yeah, like, in an actual studio. It's like totes un-freaking-believable!"

Conchita glared at them, shushed them and forced them to take their seats on the couch next to her.

"Ok, we're back from the break, people. In 5... 4... 3..."

"We're back with these brave women who are in a desperate mission to find their loved one. Please welcome Kat and Mave."

As the applause signs went on, the crowd cheered enthusiastically.

"Hi, Conchita!" Kat waved with a more than excited grin on her face as Mave elbowed her.

"Behave!" she muttered and the crowd laughed.

"These lovely young ladies have lost their sister-in-law, Alice Cullen, two weeks ago." Conchita said faking sadness and concern as she turned to the girls. "Is there anything you would like to say?" The crowd froze, speechless and appalled as the name Conchita mentioned sank in.

"Please, Alice, if you're out there somewhere, know that we love you and we miss you. We just want to know that you're safe. Please, if anyone has seen her, call this number: 555-4ALI (254) or you can text any of us, the production team has our cellphones." Mave and Kat stated in unison as they wept loudly, tears streaming down their cheeks . Conchita rolled her eyes as images of Alice flooded the screen.

"Don't go anywhere, when we return, Bobo the cat will show us how to do back flips!" Conchita announced the audience with fake enthusiasm as the camera zoomed in on the girls' mascara-stained faces.

An angry mob awaited outside of the studio as the girls made their way out.

"Impostors!" a man shouted.

"Who do you think you are, toying with people's emotions like that?" an old woman said.

More and more people joined in in the shouting, closing in on the girls' frightened faces.

Mave grabbed Kat's arm and pulled her away, running at full speed –as fast as Kat's stilettos allowed- towards the closest cab she could find.

* * *

**A/N: **Liked it? Hated it? Laughed? A horror looked was stuck to your faces the whole time?

Please let us know! This is suppossed to be funny and we want to know if we're doing it right, heheh.

Remember there is a hidden reference in the chapter, this one is kind of complicated so we'll give you a hint. It's from another ff Twilight story (all legal with the writer, hehe) which if you haven't read you totally should. If you find the reference and elaborate a little you get a teaser from next chapter ;)

Either way, please review!!! Happy people update sooner!!!


	3. Home Sweet Home

**A/N: **Chapter 3 is here!!!

First of all I wanted to thank KiyaRaven for letting us borrow pieces of The Screamers which you should all check out because it's amazing and hilarious.

In this chapter our girls begin their quest around the world...

We are updating today in honour of the bootilicious Taylor Lautner who turns 18 today. Yes, ladies, he is finally legal and we can now have dirty thoughts about his gorgeous abs without feeling guilty.

So enjoy... and please review!!! Remember that if you guess the references you get a sneak peak of next chapter!

**Disclaimer: **Twilight belongs to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer and reganmacneil owns a piece of this one too...

No pokers were harmed in the writing of this chapter. Kat and Mave however, were severely injured and may not recover.

* * *

Once again disappointed by the lack of luck in their search for their beloved Alice, Kat and Mave decided it was time to take matters in their own hands, with no outside help this time.

They emptied their skim bank accounts and joined resources to go to the only place they could think of, the land of vegan vampires: Forks, Washington.

* * *

24 hours of flights later...

"Yuck, I hate airplanes, I'm all sweaty and gross!" Mave bitched waving her armpits.

"Yeah, you stink." Kat replied bluntly. "Wait, I'm going blind, I can't see! I can't see!" Kat started waving her arms around frantically, her face filled with horror.

"Open your eyes, smarty pants!" Mave commanded hitting her in the head with a poker.

Kat opened her eyes wide and shouted maniacally "POKER FACE" as she took the poker away from Mave and hit her with it.

"POKER FACE, POKER FACE, POKER FACE!" she continued, while still hitting Mave's unconscious form which lay in the floor of the airport. Such a common occurrence these days in airports, passersby did not even notice. All because of reganmacneil.

After a few more minutes of violence, Kat finally came to.

"Ooopss, I did it again, sorry!" Kat said as she dropped the poker accidentally on Mave's feet waking her up.

Mave rubbed her head and asked "Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? I'm... in a lot of pain. Ouch!"

* * *

Once Mave got her payback from Kat in a very devious way, again, not worth mentioning, they made their way to the nearest hotel to settle in for the night.

As they stepped out of the cab, they stared in awe at the view in front of them.

Finally, they were home.

* * *

The house in front of them was painted a soft, faded white, three-stories tall, rectangular and well proportioned. The windows and doors were either part of the original structure of a perfect restoration.

The inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large. This must have originally been several rooms, but the walls had been removed from most of the first floor to create one wide space. The back, south-facing wall had been entirely replaced with glass, and, beyond the shade of the cedars, the lawn stretched bare to the wide river. A massive curving staircase dominated the west side of the room. The walls, the high-beamed ceiling, the wooden floors, and the thick carpets were all varying shades of white.

* * *

"Welcome, ladies. My name is James. How may I assist you today?" The receptionist said politely.

Kat and Mave stared at each other in awe, for the name rang a bell, but quickly let it go once they followed rule number one for identifying vampires: look at their eyes – If they're red: run. If they're black: run. If they're butterscotch: make out with them. Otherwise: act normal.

"Um... ah... hi. We'd like a room, please." Mave said once she finished her ogling. They were safe.

"Sure... one second, please." The receptionist typed something in his computer looking for a vacant room. He found one right away. "I have two options: 'Bella and Edward's honeymoon cabin' or 'Alice's my-visions-are-subjective suite'. They'll be both available by 2 pm."

They pondered for a moment.

"The honeymoon suite is just not fun without Eddie-boo." Mave thought out loud.

"I know, right? Wait, what? Edward is mine!!!" Kat replied.

"No, I told you, you crazy bitch! Get your claws away from my Eddie!! You said Jacob didn't smell that bad and that you'd marry his abs and bake cookies on them... you lost him back then, missy!!!"

The receptionist cleared his throat loudly, taking them out of their daze.

"So... um... we'll be taking Alice's suite... I guess..." Kat replied sheepishly, fidgeting.

"Great. We can keep your bags for you until two. In the meantime, you can... take a hike, like, somewhere far, far away..." James trailed off.

"Okay, so we have two hours to kill." Mave said as she took flyers with Alice's picture out of her backpack and gave half of them to Kat. They went on, stapling them onto trees until they reached the forest.

"Are you sure we should go in there?" Said Kat hesitantly.

"Why? Are you scared of the big, bad wolf?" mocked Mave.

"Of course not! There are... other things... and I'm not wearing the right shoes, you know..."

"I told you to leave your stilettos at home! But you never listen to me, NEVER!" Mave rambled on as she kept on walking into the forest. "I mean, it's like that time when..." she stopped dead on her tracks, realizing Kat was gone. "Kat...? Kat... are you there? I'm sorry I yelled at you!"

And then, out of nowhere, Kat sneaked up on Mave. "GOTCHA!"

Mave jumped so high she hit her head on a branch. "Ow! Ow, ow, ow! I'm bleeding! Where's Jacob when you need him?!" Kat started taking her shirt off right on cue and Mave backed away grossed out. "Ew, gross!! Don't even think of it!"

"Sorry... I just got carried away... still, I have a shirt underneath this one anyway, you dimwit!"

"Um, okay. We should keep going." Mave replied and so they set out through the forest.

* * *

After walking for what seemed like forever, Kat's heel got stuck in the dirt. "See? I told you we shouldn't have gotten in here!" She said, but Mave didn't answer. She was way ahead, marvelling at the sight before her.

"Oh, Kat, this is amazing!"

"What?" Kat said as she battled with her shoe.

"It's... OUR MEADOW!!"

Kat stumbled a zillion times before she got to Mave's side and her jaw dropped in awe. "It's soooo pretty!! Like, really, really pretty!!"

"Laurent!" Mave suddenly yelled. "Are you out there somewhere? Aren't we mouthwatering enough for you?" Silence. "AW, COME ON!!!!!!!! YOU SUCK!!!!!"

They ran around freely for a while, until Mave realized it was time to get to the house.

"Bummer!! We didn't find any vampires!" Kat said.

They walked back to the house where they finally checked in and after dinner they turned in for the night.

* * *

**A/N: **I personally loved this one!

There are several references in this chapter which I think you can figure out without a hint.

Soooo... are you as excited about TL's birthday as we are? Excited enough to leave us a review??? No? Just us? What? You think we're insane? Well... DUH!!

Hmmm... okay... *thinks of alternative plan*

But you know... reviews bring us closer to Alice!!!


	4. Tanning Quileutes

**A/N:** We're back!

One day late due to techinical difficulties. Kat forgot to pay the internet bill and Mave was too busy hitting her with a poker to do anything about it..

There are no references in this one, and since my birthday is on Tuesday everyone who reviews gets a sneak peak to next chapter. :D Aren't I awesome? Lol

A big shout out to reganmcneil for letting us use her poker and you should definitely check out her story TWILIGHT TEXTING MADNESS, it's truly hilarious and Kat and Mave make a guest appeareance on chapter 20.

Ok, without further ado, Chapter 4 is here, enjoy and please review!!!

Kat: Wait!!  
Mave: What?  
Kat: You _totes_ forgot something!!  
Mave: You're right!!!!  
Kat and Mave: _REAGANMCNEIL WE LOVE YOUUUU!!!!!_

**Disclaimer:** As much as we keep wishing we do not own Twilight, though Edward owns us... And we don't own Björk's "It's, oh, so quiet" either.

* * *

The town of Forks slept in blissful ignorance of the force of nature that was about to take its toll on them.

_It's, oh, so quiet  
It's, oh, so still  
You're all alone  
And so peaceful until... _

_You ring the bell  
Bim bam  
You shout and you yell  
Hi, ho, ho  
You broke the spell...

* * *

_

Alice smiled sweetly and her mouth moved slowly but they could not hear her utter a word.

They were so excited to see her, so happy. They felt so blessed, but soon, worry sank in. Alice wouldn't speak to them at vampire speed while they were still human. She would have liked them to know what she was saying.

Kat and and Mave stared at Alice in confusion and then looked at each other trying to unravel just another mystery which was unfolding before them.

Someone had taken Alice's voice away!!

And she didn't even seem to notice!

That's when they woke up screaming, the ringing of the phone scaring them out of their silent dream.

* * *

Mave finally came to and answered the phone.

"Hello?" she said shakily.

"Hi, um, this is the 9 a.m. wake up call you requested, and, um..." the receptionist hesitated. "some of the guests have been complaining about loud screaming, would you mind, em, keeping it down a bit?"

"Oh, right, sure, sorry." Mave muttered before hanging up.

"We have to get up, it's 9, it's time for tanning!!!" Kat shouted jumping up from the bed excitedly.

And so after 30 minutes of sun lotion, bikinis and beach bags, our beloved girls went on their way to First Beach, not letting a small thing like it being winter -and in Forks- stopping them from their much needed sunbathing session.

The girls were not discouraged when the receptionist looked at them quizzically, or when they stepped outside and noticed the cloud covered sky, or when they felt the cold winter weather, because they strongly believed that once they got to the beach, the sun would shine and they would feel warm enough to get into the ocean water. If you haven't noticed so far, they were not the brightest bulbs in the tree.

* * *

After a 20-minute ride and a lot of bewildered looks from passersby, Kat and Mave arrived at First Beach. They were very disappointed to find the bad weather hadn't subsided, and they were still in their bathing suits by the time it started raining. Seeking shelter from the rain, they found a house near the beach, by the Quileute reservation. A long-haired boy with russet skin came out to "greet" them and they sighed happily thinking they had found their rescuer.

"This is private property, you're tresspassing." The boy stated angrily.

"Um, sorry, it's just..." and right then and there Mave started crying. "Yesterday we went to the forest and we got lost and Kat almost broke her heel! And," she continued sobbing, "then we couldn't find her and the receptionist at the hotel kept looking at us funny, and then today things were starting to look up and then we came to the beach and it was cold and it freaking rains! And we got all wet and then we come here because if Kat gets sick she'll get even more bitchy and I don't want to have to put up with her, and then you come out and yell at us!" Mave finished out of breath, still sobbing frantically.

During Mave's speech, the expression on the boy's face turned guilty and simpathetic.

"Um, I'm... I... sorry." The boy muttered. "Can I help you with something?"

"Actually, you can. Have you by any chance seen Jacob? He's like this high, same skin colour as yours, short hair, a lot more muscle. Or Sam? Or Paul? Or any of the guys?" Kat gestured.

"Oh, man, not again!!" The boy smacked his forehead. "THEY. ARE. FICTIONAL. CHARACTERS. NOT. REAL." He said slowly and loudly.

"Huh? So, is that a no?" Kat asked puzzled.

Damn, this girl is dumber than a stick the boy thought.

Right then, an older man stepped out of the house wondering what was going on, but before he got a chance to ask the boy, Kat jumped in front of him and started talking looking at him in awe.

"Billy, you can walk!!! It'a miracle, Mave, it's a miracle!"

"Oh, not again" the man smacked his forehead, the same way his son had done before him.

"Wow, how did you get so tanned? Is there like, a secret tribe tanning lotion or something?" Kat asked snapping out of her daze.

"Um, we're native americans, this is our natural skin colour."

"Like, really?" Kat asked incredously.

"I think you should get going now, ladies." The man barked, his patience lost.

"Wait, we have one more question before we leave." Mave pleaded eagerly.

"What?" The boy asked annoyed.

"Um, have you seen the Cullens around lately? We're particulary interested in finding Alice, but any of them would do."

"That's it! Out!!" Both men shouted in unison.

And so our heroins were once again defeated in their search for the lovely annoying mind-reading pixie. At least it had stopped raining.

* * *

On their shivering way back to town they stopped by a magazine stand because Kat could not live without the latest issue of Cosmo, and they almost missed the next clue in their quest.

"Kat, look!" Mave pretty much yelled pointing at a teen magazine. "It's Jacob, we've found him!"

The headline read: Taylor Lautner Steels breath away in upcoming movie set.

Without hesitation, they bought the magazine and searched for the full article.

Kat was rather taken aback by the fact that the magazine stated that Jacob's name was actually Taylor Lautner but quickly let go of it dismissing it as a typo.

_Teen hunk, Taylor Lautner, is scheduled to start shooting his new movie, Max Steel, next Monday in Hollywood._

"Do these people even have an editor?" Kat wondered "I mean, this is all wrong information, filled with typos!!!"

"Maybe they should hire us! We would do a much better job." Mave pondered.

"Well, Hollywood, here we come!"

They skipped back to the hotel to ready their things for their next move, which would bring them one step closer to their goal.

* * *

**A/N:** Ok, so get it out of your chest, review and tell Kat to get a brain already!!!  
And Mave needs to be told "you are the company you keep".

Mave: It would make an awesome bday gift :D You know how you love to get gifts on your bdays...  
*Kat sighs*  
Mave: What?!  
Kat: Why do you have to make everything about you?  
Mave: Because... you know... it's my birthday?  
Kat: So?  
Mave: I deserve to be pampered?  
Kat: And?  
Mave: And... you'll have the chance when your birthday comes?  
Kat: YAY!!!! So, yeah, what she said. Review and leave some love for my girl Mave here. She deserves it. I know it, you know it, we all know it!!! (and my birthday is on March the 27th, so you can start elaborating some awesome birthday wishes and congrats...)


	5. Who Abides By The Law Anyway?

**A/N:** So, the moment we've all been waiting for is finally here! We finally start to meet up with the characters and actors :) Today we're drooling over, I mean, bumping into Taylor Lautner. In reading this chapter please take into account that he was still 17 years old when this chapter was written.

Without any further ado, here's Chapter 5. Enjoy and please let us know what you think!!

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately, we do not own Twilight.  


* * *

"Dude, this Hollywood place is like totes discombobulating!" Kat exclaimed.

"What did you just say?" Mariel asked disbelievingly.

"That Hollywood was confusing?"

"No, you used another word."

"Disorienting?"

"No."

"Confounding?"

"No"

"Bewildering? Perplexing? Vexing? Dumbfounding? Stupefying?" Kat concentrated trying to remember.

"No, but how where on Earth did you learn all those words?"

"I read."

"Exactly _what_ do you read? I mean, beside Cosmo?" Mave asked mockingly.

"Hey, don't hate the Cosmo bible!!" Kat said feeling insulted.

"Sorry, sorry. So, which way do we go?"

The million dollar question arose as the girls were standing in the middle of the Hollywood Hall of Fame.

"So..., where to?"

"I know, I know, let's go shopping!!! I mean, we can't look like this when we meet Jacob! Can we?"

"Totes agree with you."

In record time they were in the closest shopping mall, but soon their excitement faded as they realized that without Alice's credit card they could not afford vintage clothing.

They reluctantly looked for a shop more adequate for their current acquisitive power.

* * *

_Dear Alice,_

_We did something we're not very proud of, we…, we went shopping… without you, for non-brand clothes to a…, a se-second hand store *sobs*.__We didn't even accessorize!!!!_

_We know you may feel betrayed by us but since you took your credit card away we had no other choice!_

* * *

On their way back they decided they should grab a bite and stumbled upon "Mr. Chow". As they were about to make their way in they were surprised to see a strong and muscular man on his way out.

"Jacob!" they both screamed in unison running towards him and hitting their heads with columns on their way. They fell on their butts and 'Jacob' walked over with a concerned look on his face to check if they were alright.

"Oh, my God. Are you girls ok?"

"Um, no, we're bleeding can't you see?" Kat stated.

"Just take off your shirt and help us!" Mave demanded.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, I mean, we hit our heads and now we're bleeding, you need to clean us up." Kat said nonchalantly.

'Jacob' shook his head and chuckled. "Wait right here, I'm gonna get you some ice." He said heading back into the restaurant.

The girls were too busy staring at his butt to form a coherent word and just lay there until he came back.

"Here you go..." 'Jacob' started to say as he kneeled down next to them with one ice pack in each hand.

Suddenly there was a ripping noise and 'Jacob' was shirtless.

"Sooo pretty!! My precious!!" Mave mumbled, her mouth watering, her eyes raking his chest.

"You're shameless!" Kat told Mave not bothering to look at her. "Can I bake cookies on them?" She said gesturing towards 'Jacob's' abs.

Then, everything happen so fast, in a flash 'Jacob' was the one on the floor and two beasts hovered over him with a hungry look in their eyes. A woman yelled from a distance, begging for them to stop. Sirens blared and a crowd gathered around them.

Before they knew it, someone was yelling "Put your hands behind your head and step away from the minor!" at them and they were stuck in the back of a police cruiser, and the worst thing was Charlie was not the one behind the wheel.

* * *

Once inside their cell, tears streaming down her face, Kat yelled at the police officer. "Let me make a phone call!! I didn't make my phone call!!! I KNOW MY RIGHTS!!!"

The police officer laughed quietly and addressed to Kat. "Miss, you watch way too much TV. FYI, you were arrested for molesting a minor. You'll only be here a couple of months. Now why would you want to make that phone call and worry the living daylights out of your boyfriend if you'll be out in no time?" He said. Kat glared at him and hoped he would vanish with the pain she was inflicting him in her imagination.

"YOU have no heart!! How dare you laugh! Can't you see she's in pain? We lost a friend of ours... and YOU," Mave said angrily pointing a finger into his chest. "Ended a trail that might have led us to her."

"Oh, _really_? How come?"

"Well, it turns out Jacob could have known where to find Alice. You see, we already have pictures of her in milk cartons, and we went to Conchita Lopez's show the other day, but no one has called yet... we're worried sick about her!!" Mave replied, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"Oh, Mave!" Kat yelled, as if a lightbulb had just been turned on over her head. "We haven't filed a police report!! We could have the police looking for her as well!!"

"You're right!!! Sir!! Sir!! With our belongings there's a picture of our friend!! Can we file a missing person's report?" Mave pleaded. The police officer laughed yet again.

"I know who you are. I watch Conchita Lopez's show every day..." He trailed off and then cleared his throat. "I mean... my wife does. Anyway, you have no grounds to file that report."

"But... but... PRETTY PLEAZE!!!" Kat pouted, with her best pleading face. Wasn't there a way to convince him?

It was then when the door opened and a too-familiar face walked in the station.

"Um, hi... I'm Taylor Lautner, I'm looking for two girls... the other officer said I should come to, um... press charges or something." _Taylor who? The name's Jacob, pretty-boy!! _Kat thought.

"Sure, sir. Right this way." A female police officer said and led him to a desk motioning for him to sit down. "Now, tell me, you would like to press charges, right?"

"Um... I... I... I mean... uh..." He said, looking around. He looked like he was afraid of being caught doing something bad.

"Oh. By all means, take your time. We've got all day." The officer said sarcastically and Kat glared once again, with all her might, hoping this time she could melt the officer's head... or whatever.

The door opened once again and someone even MORE familiar walked in. Mave's eyes popped right out of their sockets.

"I... this... Kat... listen... uh..." Mave couldn't form a coherent sentence. _Baby steps, Mave, baby steps..._ she thought and elbowed Kat -who was too busy staring at her stilettos- right in the ribs, a knee-jerk reaction.

"Ouch! Mave! Wha..." Kat trailed off after she looked up.

"Woah! Kellan, man... you're... wearing make up? And contacts? Are you shooting today?" 'Jacob' said as he greeted Emmett. _Make up? What does he mean wearing make up?_ Mave thought. _He looks fine to me! Topaz eyes -no contacts-, white skin, buff as ever... red lips? Well, maybe he uses cherry lip balm. No one can blame him!! _She thought and wished she had her own chapstick. Her lips were getting dry again. Damn police station!! They keep all your belongings! I mean, really... what can you possibly do with a lip balm in here?!

"Oh, Emmett!! Hi!!!" Kat yelled and waved frantically. Emmett looked her way and his lips pulled up in a small smile. 'Hi' he mouthed. He said something softly to 'Jacob' the girls couldn't figure out. The guys talked to the officer and his eyes widened.

"Um... okay, sir... yes, they can walk right out." He said. The girls looked at each other. They couldn't possibly know what was going on. In a matter of seconds, another officer walked over to the girls and opened the cell for them.

* * *

Kat and Mave grinned widely as they signed the papers and got back their belongings. Once they were outside, Emmett and 'Jacob' were waiting for them at the entrance.

"Soooooo... dating older women... hot!" Emmett said and 'Jacob' punched him in the arm.

"I'm so sorry Jake, I don't know what came over me... I mean, US." Mave said and 'Jacob' smiled.

"Hey, no hard feelings." He said shyly, lifting his hands.

"So Emmett, we're trying to find Alice, maybe you've..." Kat started, and Emmett was nowhere to be seen. She shrugged and went back to ogling 'Jacob'.

"Eh... I'd better get going... if mom sees me here with you two, I'll be in so much trouble!"

"No, wait!! Would you happen to know where Alice is?" Kat asked.

"Yeah, um... no, not actually... I'm just here to shoot a couple of scenes, not with her though... I think she's on vacation or something." He replied and a look of sadness was plastered all over the girls' faces. Kat's face contorted. _Shooting wha...?_ she thought, and then she shrugged. _Figurative speech, probably, or something like that._

"Would you please call us if you know anything about her? If you see her, just tell her we miss her and we want her to come back home..." Mave said.

"Yes, and then YOU call us." Kat added and Mave shook her head.

"Why would he call us then? I mean, she would be on her way home, she'd call us herself!"

"Well, just in case! You can never be too sure. Just call us either way, Jake..." Kat turned around to say but 'Jacob' was already gone. "WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP DISAPPEARING ON US???!!!" She yelled and stomped her feet pouting like a two year old.

* * *

**A/N: **So??? Think we are completely deranged? We kind of knew that already... Though confirmation in the form of a review is always nice :)

There are a couple references to the movies and books on this one for you to look up. Rememeber if you guess one you get a sneak peak of next chapter.

Reviews make Kat and Mave do silly things you can make fun of!


	6. Hilliwood Illegal

**A/N: **_Soooo, Kat and Mave are misbehaving a little lately. They just can hold their excitement. :)_

_This chapter is the fallout of what happened the last time._

_There are two things to be found in this chapter, both from Twilight, both fairly easy, both will get you a sneak peak of next chappie._

_So, go on, scroll down and enjoy!!!_

**Disclaimer**: We do not own Twilight or Ricky Martin's 'Vuelve' (translated lyrics on A/N at the bottom).

_

* * *

_

_Dear Alice,_

_When Jacob took his shirt off it was like the hole started to heal, and I was ok, but when he put it back on things got bad __again.__Then the police came and that's when it got really shitty._

* * *

After a really hard day filled with disappointment the girls decided to head towards the nearest bar (at a safe distance from the police station). After a twenty minute walk they reached One Eyed Pete's and decided to give it a try.

They started light, Mave with a strawberry daiquiri and Kat with a shot of Absolut.

At some point in the evening the incoherent babbling began.

"I donn dhink she lovesh ush anymore, Kat, I mean, where ish she?"

"Yeaaa, vere are you Alishhh!???" Kat started to yell looking around the bar and towards the ceiling.

"I really drully belive she was the one who shent Emmeth off to reshcue ush, but why didn't she come hershelf?"

"I dunno, I guess wi're not all that imbortant to her anymore."

"I guess no...t."

"Shoo wouldn't do that to ush, would shoo, Pete?" Kat asked leaning towards the bartender.

"Um, sure not, sugar." He said winking at her.

"Waiiiiit! You have bothsss eyes!!!" Mave pointed out holding three fingers. "See Kat, no-one lovesh ush anymore, everyone is deceit...ful and meeeiin to us!"

Fortunately for the rest of the people in the bar, they hadn't gotten to the crying part yet.

Mave, who was known not to drink anything that didn't have fruit juice in it, downed half a bottle of tequila after her 4th daiquiri and 3rd mojito. Kat, who had gone straight to the vodka, downed an entire bottle. After completely drowning their sorrows in alcohol, Mave headed to the jukebox and selected the perfect song for the moment.

The music to Ricky Martin's 'Vuelve' started floating around the room and all the scary looking tattooed bikers in the bar were just thrilled to be listening.

Once again our dynamic duo started singing in unison.

_Algo me dice que ya no volverás  
Estoy segura que esta vez no habrá marcha atrás_

Después de todo fui yo a decirte que no  
Sabes bien que no es cierto  
Estoy muriendo por dentro

Y ahora es que me doy cuenta  
Que sin ti no soy nada  
He perdido las fuerzas  
He perdido las ganas

He intentado encontrarte  
En otras personas  
No es igual  
No es lo mismo  
Nos separa un abismo

Vuelve

_Que sin ti la vida se me va  
Oh, vuelve _

_Que me falta el aire si tu no estás  
Oh, vuelve_

_Nadie ocupará tu lugar _

_Sobra tanto espacio si no estás  
No paso un minuto sin pensar  
Sin ti la vida lentamente se me va_

Algo me dice ya no sirve de nada  
Tantas noches en vela  
Aferrada a mi almohada

Si pudiera tan solo regresar un momento  
Ahora es que te comprendo  
Ahora es cuando te pierdo

Vuelve

_Que sin ti la vida se me va..._

_Oh, vuelve _

_Que me falta el aire si tu no estás  
Oh, vuelve_

_Nadie ocupará tu lugar _

_Y a pesar que fui yo  
A decirte que no  
Sin embargo aqui sigo insistiéndote_

Vuelve

_Que sin ti la vida se me va..._

_Oh, vuelve _

_Que me falta el aire si tu no estás  
Oh, vuelve_

_Nadie ocupará tu lugar_

As the final notes of the song played Mave and Kat started crying relentessly.

Somehow they ended up in the back of a cab heading to their hotel. Pete probably decided it was better to send them home before the bikers beat the shit out of them for playing Ricky Martin. Why that song was in the jukebox remains a mystery, though it is suspected Pete likes to do impressions on his spare time...

* * *

After a much needed night's sleep our friends woke up the following day as eager as always.

"I had the weirdest dream..." Kat started yawning and stretching out her arms. _Ow, what's the matter with the light? Why is it so bright here?? _she thought_._

"What was it about?" Mave asked getting out of bed to brush her teeth.

"You were there, and I was there, and Jacob was there, and I think Emmett too," Kat paused for a moment "I think you got in trouble with the police too."

"That was not a dream! We were arrested, don't you remember? The police was convinced we tried to take advantage of who they said was Taylor Lautner, which is apparently a crime." Mave rambled on. _Ow, too loud... head hurts!_

"Who abides by the law anyway?" Kat wondered.

* * *

After brushing their teeth and having breakfast Kat and Mave set out through town looking for more clues. They hoped to run into Emmett who they knew was in town. And fate didn't disappoint.

They walked around the city all morning excited at the various places they visited.

"Look, it's the Hillywood sign, Mave!!!"

"It says Hollywood." Mave replied.

"But it can't be, it has to be the Hillywood sign."

"Maybe the person who put it up there didn't know how to spell." Mave shrugged.

"They hire anyone these days to put up signs!" Kat stated irritated.

"I'm hungry" Mave complained.

"You're always hungry."

"I know, but now I'm really hungry."  
"Fine. Let's go eat."

* * *

They searched through the streets for a nice-looking restaurant and finally stumbled upon The Ivy, where luckily a cancellation had just been made by a Mr. McCarty and they were able to get a table.

A table away from them, a blond man was sitting across from a woman who looked to be his sister.

The man caught Kat's eye.

"Mave, look over there, doesn't he look familiar? I'd swear I know him from somewhere..."

At that moment their waiter approached just in time to hear Kat's statement.

"He's the hot guy from Twilight." She chipped in.

"No, that's not it." Kat replied still staring at him.

"Mmm, he used to be and Abercrombie and Fitch model."

"No, still not it."

"Maybe you've seen him in 90210?" The waiter tried again puzzled.

"No, nevermind, it'll come back to me." Mave held back a giggle at Kat's last words.

The waiter took their drink orders and as they stared at the menu to see what they wanted to eat, a light bulb exploded into a million pieces insides Kat's head.

"Emmett!!" she shouted making Mave jump from her seat.

"Where? Where?" Mave started looking frantically around the room.

"The guy is Emmett! He must have dyed his hair to go by unnoticed!"

Faster than a bullet they were out of their seats and hurrying towards Emmett before he disappeared again.

Suddenly, the blond man looked up for a moment in an unconscious movement. He looked back to his lunch date before looking back up with a shocked and terrified expression plastered on his face. He stood from the table, knocking his glass off.

"You! You! No, please, not again!" he sounded completely frightened.

"Emmett!!! We didn't get to thank you last night! Thank you for bailing us out, but now, can you help us find Alice!?" Mave yelled, a wide smile spreading on her face.

"I... You.. I, this can't be happening" Kellan was stepping back towards the restaurant doors as the girls approached him.

"Hey, your eyes are blue! Just like mine! Did you get contacts?" Kat asked excitedly.

"What are you doing here?! I already have a restraining order against you two!!!! You're not supposed to come within 100 yards from me!!!" He was finally able to spit out.

"He can't possibly be wearing contacts, silly, his eyes would dissolve them in no time." Mave told Kat before turning towards Kellan "Dude, I think you drank too much water!!! I know Carlisle told you you should stop eating human food."

Kellan finally reached the restaurant doors and ran out scared like a little girl.

Kat and Mave sighed resigned.

"Well, I guess Emmett doesn't love us either." Kat stated sadly.

* * *

**A/N:**

Vuelve's translation:

_Something tells me you won't come back anymore.  
I'm sure this time there is no going back._

After all, it was me who told you no.  
You know it's not true.  
I'm dying inside.

And it is now that I realize  
That I'm nothing without you  
I've lost my strength  
Ive lost my will

I've tried to find you  
In other people  
It's not the same  
It's not the same

_We are separated by an abyss_

Come back

_Without you my life slips away  
Oh, come back _

_I can't breathe without you here  
Oh, come back_

_No one could ever take your place _

_There is so much extra room if you are not here  
Not a minute goes by in which I don't think  
That without you my life slips slowly away_

Something tells me it's useless now  
So many sleepless nights  
Holding tight to my pillow

If I could go back for just one moment

_It is now that I understand  
That it is now that I lose you  
_

_Come back _

_Without you my life slips away  
Oh, come back _

_I can't breathe without you here  
Oh, come back_

_No one could ever take your place _

_And even though it was me  
That went to tell you no  
I am still here insisting.  
__Come back _

_Without you my life slips away  
Oh, come back _

_I can't breathe without you here  
Oh, come back_

_No one could ever take your place _

So, what did you think? C'mon people, quit making us be for it! Push the little botton 'cause you know you're just dying to find out what kind of trouble these two loons are going to get in to ;)


	7. Of All The Blondes In Alaska

**A/N:** You really should stop being so shy and start reviewing. It's good for your health, honestly. ;)

Anywho, here's a brand new chapter. Remember to check the hidden parts to get a review!

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Twilight belongs to the one and only Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

After a very disappointing and unsuccessful day the girls were heading back to their hotel when "Unwell" started ringing loudly from Kat's phone.

"Someone's calling me!! Someone's calling me!!" She chirped loudly.

"Really?" Mave faked excitement and added sarcastically "I hadn't noticed!"

Kat glared at her thinking _if looks could kill..._

_"_Check who it is already!"

Kat took her cellphone from her pocket offended and stared at the screen for a few minutes. The phone stopped ringing.

Mave tapped her foot impatiently until she couldn't take it anymore and snatched the phone away from Kat.

"Hey! Give it back!"

"I will. When you learn to use the little green button!!"

Mave looked at the screen and read: You have one new voice message. She retrieved it.

_So..., um, this is, um, Jacob, well, I had a good time the other night and decided to help you out. The pack says they got a sniff of Ash... I mean Alice in Denali. Maybe you should head over there. Like waaaay over there and waaaay away from here._

_"_Weirdest voice message ever... I guess Denali it is then." Mave sighed dreading the idea of suffering the cold Alaska weather.

"Denali as in Alaska? as in -1000 degrees? As in freezing you ass off and having to wear those awful huge coats that will hide my fantastic figure away? And squishing my lovely blonde hair with a hat?" Kat rambled on disbelievingly.

"Pretty much."

"I... I... I miss Alice."

"Me too." They paused and pondered for a few seconds.

"Wait, this means I'll finally get to wear my ugg boots!!! Yay!!" Kat jumped up and down excitedly.

"Your mood swings are giving me a whiplash."

"Like you haven't thought about the fact that you will get to wear... um... I guess you don't have any hot winter clothes..." Kat smiled sheepishly regretting having spoken.

* * *

After hours of discussion on what to pack for Alaska, some poker hits and another few hours on a plane the girls finally arrived in Alaska and decided to rent a car to go the rest of the way.

"Do you think Tanya will be as pretty as I am?" Kat asked.

"Oh, no, you're way prettier than Tanya!" Mave assured her as they headed out of the rental facility and onto their shiny silver Volvo mumbling "There is no way she's prettier than Tanya" as she went, too low for Kat to hear.

As Mave started driving through the highway Kat unfolded the map to check how to get to their destination.

After a couple of hours Kat had managed to provide Mave with all the wrong directions and the girls were actually lost.

They just didn't know it yet.

They stepped out of the car, believing to be close to the Denali's house and started walking in what they believed was the right direction.

After a 30 minute walk deep into the wilderness they found an abandoned bus.

"Look, Mave, a bus!" Kat yelled.

"It kind of looks rather familiar...." Mave thought aloud.

"The Denalis don't drive a bus do they? That would be kind of weird." Kat giggled.

They approached the bus, Kat stepping ahead excitedly until, all of a sudden, she stopped dead on her tracks.

"Ewww, there's a dead guy in there!"

Mave approached hesitatingly to look at what Kat was seeing.

"It's the guy from Into the Wild!" Mave yelled shocked.

"Emile Hirsch! Oh, my God, where??? I don't have any make-up on!"

Mave pushed Kat away from the bus and back to the car trembling with freight all the way trying to explain to Kat that the body belonged to the actual Christopher McCandless while Kat rambled on about not getting dead men smell on her clothes.

* * *

Now realizing they were lost they headed back the way they came from and stopped in the closest town.

They were starting to lose hope after all their failed attempts at finding Alice.

They wandered sulking around town for a bit until Mave gently tapped a slender strawberry blonde woman's shoulder and asked "Are you Tanya?"

"No, sorry." The woman turned and answered politely.

"Ok, thanks." Mave smiled sweetly at her and then reached to another petite blonde passing.

"Are you Tanya?"

"Excuse moi?"

"Nevermind, sorry."

Then Mave spotted a middle aged blonde woman coming out of a grocery store.

"Tanya!" She yelled waving at the now confused woman who started walking in the opposite direction.

Kat was too busy filing her nails to notice what went on around her.

In a matter of minutes all the blonde women in town were trying to get away from the psycho brunette who shouted "Tanya! Tanya! It's me, Mave!" at them while chasing them down the street and shaking their shoulders when she got close enough.

Eventually there was only one blonde left in sight.

"Tanya!" Mave jumped on Kat knocking her to the ground.

"Huh?"

"Tanya! I found you! Let's go tell Kat!"

"I am Kat, you stupid cow!" Kat shouted angrily as she pushed Mave off her and attempted to stand up. "Did you forget to take your pills today?" A look of horror marred Kat's expression as she looked at her hands. "YOU!!" she started stalking towards Mave, an angry look on her face. "You broke my nail!!!"

Mave started walking backwards trying unsuccessfully to apologize to Kat for such atrocity, until her back hit a wall and she grimaced nervously.

"I... I... I'm very sorry. Um,... you seem so tense lately, how about a massage?" she asked hopefully.

Kat's angry look stayed in place for a few moments until she said "You know? I have this knot in my back that just won't go away, maybe you could look into that." And Mave knew all was forgiven.  
"Ok, let's find somewhere to eat first and then we'll look for somewhere to stay." Mave started to organize.

"Always hungry..." Kat mumbled annoyed.  
They started walking through the street again until they reached a magazine stand where Kat couldn't help but stop at.

"New Cosmo!" Kat smile grew wide at the thought and Mave sighed.

As they were about to leave the stand, Cosmo in hand, a picture in a magazine caught their attention.

"Alice!" they both exclaimed in unison.

Maybe not all was lost...

* * *

**Please review! You know you want to!**


End file.
